Exploring your sexuality can be confusing, especially when you start engaging in sexual acts with other people for the first time. Virginity is the term used to describe the state of never having had sex, and “losing your virginity” can be nerve-wracking. Even the word “losing” is not the best description, because you should be gaining something from your experience instead. There are many misconceptions around sex that can contribute to feeling anxious about having sex for the first time. This is a guide that debunks myths and discusses the many ways you can have sex to help you feel a little more comfortable when engaging in sexual acts, and the importance of your mental wellbeing when it comes to this.
Sex Myths
Myth
Reality
You will feel different after having sex.
People often believe after having sex for the first time it will instantly change everything and bring a complete happiness in your life. The truth is there is no “right” way to feel after having it. You can feel happy, anxious, calm, excited, nervous, or even the same. All of these reactions are completely normal.
Pain is always present.
First time sex can feel uncomfortable at first. The vagina is muscle so when it is being strecthed it comes along with discomfort. But with communication, patience, and enough foreplay with your partner the discomfort will last for only a little bit. If the pain is severe or ongoing it is a good idea to talk to a healthcare professional because sex is not supposed to hurt.
It will be perfect and magical.
Watching television they depict first time sex as something magical and smooth. In reality that is not always the case. First time sex can be awkward and nervewracking and that is okay! Learning and figuring things out with your partner is completely normal. It does not have to be perfect for it to be meaningful.
Talking about boundaries will ruin the mood.
This is absolutely not true. If there is something you do not feel comfortable with when about to have sex with your partner, make sure you say it. You saying it will not ruin the mood whatsoever. It will just make sure that you are being treated with respect and that you are not uncomfortable during the experience. When both partners feel safe and heard, it will create a more positive experience.
Penetration is required.
This is a myth because that statement limits the definition of sex to only penis-in-vagina orientation. Intimacy includes many forms such as oral sex, touching, mutual stimulation, and many other experiences.
Diving Deeper into Inclusive Sex
As mentioned above, “penetration is required” for sex is a myth because of the many ways to be sexual, and based on your pain or mobility restrictions, sensory sensitivities, gender identity, and sexual orientation, sex may be different than how you imagined it. There is no one or “real” way to have sex; it is whatever you and your partner are comfortable with, so it’s important to talk to your partner about boundaries and what sex you would like to have.
There are many different ways people have sex:
Anal sex – a penis is inserted into another person’s anus
Oral sex – a person licks a person’s vulva, vagina, or clitoris or a person kisses/sucks a person’s penis
A person kisses and sucks the other person’s nipples
A person masturbates with another person
A person touches another person’s vagina or penis
Sex toys (ex: dildos…) are used
This fact sheet provides more information on having sex.
Being comfortable in your sexuality and expressing yourself sexually can help you understand yourself better and be in control of your own life. It can also give you confidence to have sex successfully (based on your own personal view of what “successful” sex is) and deepen your connection with your partners.
Resources To Promote Positive Mental Health
For LGBTQ+ individuals with disabilities, the LGBTQ+ community and spaces can act as a protective factor as it helps foster a sense of belonging, reduce isolation, and supports positive self-identity. However, LGTBQ+ people with disabilities also report higher rates of mental health concerns. The Trevor Project has a guide on their website for supporting LGBTQ+ people with disabilities, including direct links to resources that can be found on page 14 on the PDF format.
We wanted to attach some resources if you or someone you know is struggling with mental health concerns. The Cleveland Clinic provides more information about suicide and its warning signs on its website at https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/suicide.
The Never a Bother campaign is a youth suicide prevention awareness and outreach campaign for young people and their parents, caregivers, and allies. To get involved, please visit https://neverabother.org/
Pelvic exams and sexual health appointments can feel like a lot to handle. A pelvic exam is when a doctor looks at the vulva and vagina. You can calm your nerves by preparing ahead of time. Setting boundaries beforehand also helps. Speaking up for yourself will make you feel safe, heard, and at ease during your visit.
First, what to expect at a sexual health appointment:
Routine checkup
Discomfort, pain or mild pressure
Talking about birth control
Pelvic exam
Pap smear
Reproductive health concerns
Infertility
Sexual transmitted infections
Pregnancy complications
Before your appointment:
Decide if you want emotional support.
A close friend, guardian, or family member offers comfort and support.
Bring comfort items.
If waiting rooms make you anxious, bring a fidget toy or a stress ball. A small comfort item can help too. These items can help pass time.
Planning Communication
Think about how you want to talk to your provider. You can do this by speaking, writing, or using a patient portal. Let your healthcare professional know your preference.
Adjust the environment.
Share your lighting preferences. Should it be bright or dim? This will help you feel at ease.
If the noise or lights bother you, you can wait in the car until the professionals are ready for you.
During Appointment:
Write down questions.
It’s easy to forget questions you had before the professional sees you. Writing or typing them first helps you cover everything you want.
Visuals
A body map is a visual tool, a drawing of a persons body. You can show areas of interest on your body by simply pointing. It helps you show where something can hurt or feel different. It also indicates where something needs to be checked by the doctor.
If you’re visiting a doctor focused on private parts or sexual health, you can use the body map. For example, it helps show specific areas of concern. Without needing to use a lot of words.
Point to or circle areas you want to discuss
Use colors or symbols to show pain (ex: red for pain)
To prepare for your sexual health appointment, follow these simple steps. It also ensures that all your concerns are covered and helps you feel at ease. Your comfort and well-being are always a number one priority.
Below is a plain language guide. This resource allows for individuals to easily access and understand LGBTQIA+ identities, and can be used for educational purposes. The definitions were sourced from @IncludedUD on Instagram, as well as the Human Rights Campaign (HRC). These two links will take you to the Instagram and to the HRC’s glossary of LGBTQIA+ terms respectively.
***plain text language***
Below is an screen-reader friendly Plain Language Guide without images.
According to Planned Parenthood, sexual consent is “an agreement to participate in sexual activity. Consent lets someone know that sex is wanted.”
Sexual activity can be a lot of different types of activities, from kissing to sexual intercourse to oral sex.
Judging consent between partners, as well as self-reflection about consent, is crucial for sexual activity. This article will provide resources for accessing and reflecting on consent, and ensure that consent is an easier conversation.
A very helpful tool to gauge consent is the Verbal Informed Sexual Consent Assessment Tool. This source shares important reflection questions to analyze whether someone can give consent, giving a checklist as well as examples of questions to ask.
Consent can be a very simple conversation. Once you know that you and your partner are capable, informed, and confident in making decisions about sexual behaviors, have a conversation with your partner. Ask your partner what their boundaries are, and what sexual behaviors are okay with them. Sexual behaviors are a continuous conversation, that is that the conversation will continue to come up, and the result of the conversation can change. If you or your partner consents to kissing one day, and says “no” to kissing the next day, consent is being taken away and kissing shouldn’t continue to happen until consent is given again. For tools about how to revoke consent, refer to our webpage graphic about Ways to Say No .
This website from Planned Parenthood gives more examples of how to talk with your partner about consent, including examples such as how to check in on consent.
These two videos explain consent and boundaries. The second video also gives an example!
Going to the doctor for a sexual health visit can be scary if you don’t know what to expect. Here are some resources to explore in order to be prepared!
The Autistic Women & Nonbinary Network shares a list of gynecologists and other intimate care providers who offer accessible and inclusive care.
Cerebral Palsy Foundation posted several videos on preparing for a mammogram appointment and how to optimize your visit.
If you’re wondering what kind of doctor to see about sexual health, the National Coalition for Sexual Health lists who to see for different kinds of appointments.
The Office of Developmental Primary Care at the University of California, San Francisco, offers a guide on relationships, romance, sexuality, and sexual health. The guide includes tips for successful medical appointments and what to expect at a doctor visit.
Planned Parenthood offers information on what to expect at a wellness visit, which is a doctor’s visit that is centered around your reproductive health.
Before getting an abortion, it is important to learn about possible procedures and find an organization that will safely terminate the pregnancy. Here are some resources for learning about abortions and finding safe abortion clinics:
All-Options promotes judgement-free support for people trying to decide between abortion, adoption, or becoming a parent. They provide resources for each option and have a talkline for people who have more questions.
Planned Parenthood offers services in abortion referrals, medical abortions, and post-abortion exams. Their website has an Abortion Services Locator to help people find abortion clinics in their area.
We Testify is a great source for learning about abortions. They explain different procedures and the risks that come with each, how to find a clinic, and how to pay for an abortion. They also include tips on navigating parental notification and consent laws.
The National Partnership for Women and Families together with the Autistic Self Advocacy Network has developed an informational resource for abortion care for people with disabilities. To learn more about how people with disabilities feel about abortion, there is a new poll that asks this very question.
There are many different methods to choose from when it come to birth control. If you are interested in starting birth control, make sure you do some research to find which one works for you!
Baylor College of Medicine* shares a list of contraceptive methods and includes resources for learning more about how they work.
Bedsider posted an article titled “What You Should Know About Birth Control When You Have a Disability.” The article discusses how to talk with your healthcare provider and find the right birth control for yourself.
The Cerebral Palsy Foundation* has a list of things you should consider before going on birth control. This source is specifically for people with Cerebral Palsy.
TASCC (Talking About Sexuality in Canadian Communities) is a resource for people with disabilities in Canada, but the information is also applicable to people in other countries. The source shares different methods of preventing pregnancy and how birth control can prevent STIs.
Planned Parenthood shares 18 methods of birth control and provides information on how they work. You can search for contraception based on how well they prevent pregnancy, help with periods, prevent STDs, whether or not they use hormones, and how easy they are to use. Planned Parenthood also includes a range of prices for each birth control method.
Alabama:The University of Alabama at Birmingham offers resources on sexuality and relationships, sexual abuse, and tips for parents when discussing sexuality with their children.
Alaska: Olmstead Rights shares a list of resources and advocacy organizations in Alaska. The resources are directed towards individuals with physical, intellectual and developmental disabilities, and mental illness.
Arizona:Special Olympics Arizona offers a list of resources for individuals with disabilities who want to learn more about health and wellness.
Arkansas: The Arkansas Disability Coalition is an organization that helps families and individuals with disabilities by providing health-related support, information, and resources.
California: Disability Without Abuse Project is dedicated to spreading awareness about abuse faced by individuals with intellectual or developmental disabilities. They offer resources, a newsfeed, and a blog for people who are interested in learning more.
Colorado:The Initiative Colorado works to raise awareness and break down barriers to accessing health services.
Connecticut:The Center for Relationship and Sexuality Education strives to make sexual health information more accessible for members of the intellectual and developmental disability community. They provide learning materials and professional development programs.
Delaware: Planned Parenthood of Delaware provides education and training services for people with intellectual and developmental disabilities.
Florida: The Disability and Health Program aims to increase the accessibility and availability of health resources for people in the disability community.
Hawaii:Hawaii Pacific Health is a resource for people who would like to learn more about sexual abuse, and for those who have already experienced sexual abuse.
Idaho:DisAbility Rights Idaho provides protection and advocacy for people with disabilities.
Illinois:Community Choices supports individuals with disabilities in the process of filling medications, scheduling and going to appointments, and connecting with health representatives.
Indiana: Indiana Institute on Disability and Community has a feature on their website where you can input information to find resources specific to your situation. They also offer training and workshops and other opportunities to become involved in the community.
Iowa: The Iowa Department of Public Health provides a list of resources for people with disabilities who would like to learn more about sexual health.
Louisiana: Green Clinic offers resources for dating violence and sexual assault, and sexual health. They also share resources for STI testing.
Maine: MomentumRELATE offers education, dialogue, advocacy, and training for people with disabilities. They are committed to helping people develop a healthy and positive understanding of sexuality and relationships.
Maryland: Respectability offers general sexuality resources for members of the disability community. Some of the topics they includes resources for are masturbation, hygiene and self care, puberty, and relationships.
Massachusetts: The Massachusetts Department of Public Health and the Massachusetts Department of Developmental Services collaborated to create a guide on healthy relationships and sexuality.
Minnesota:Family Tree Clinic offers a wide range of services including birth control, annual exams, trans hormone care, STI testing and treatment, and Rapid HIV testing. They also offer a health education program for members of the community who are deaf, deafblind, and hard of hearing.
Mississippi: The Arc focuses on respect, abilities, freedom of choice, and inclusion. They provide resources for people with disabilities regarding self-advocacy.
Missouri:SHADE (Sexual Health and Disability Education) teaches sexual education to people with disabilities. They have a newsletter, resources, and guides for supplemental information.
Nebraska: Munroe-Meyer Institute has a team of occupational therapists, physical therapists, psychologists, and recreational therapists who offer sexual health services to individuals with intellectual and developmental disabilities.
Nevada:Planned Parenthood offers comprehensive sex education and services for individuals with disabilities.
New Hampshire: Disability Rights Center – NH offers information and assistance regarding Medicaid and healthcare, access and accommodations, and general health.
New Hampshire: Elevatus Training is an organization that offers extensive information about navigating sexuality as a person with a disability.
New Jersey:The Division of Disability Services in the Department of Human Services collaborates with health educators, policy makers, and experts in the field of health to create an inclusive setting for people with disabilities to learn about sexual health.
New Jersey: A.S.C.O.T. Counseling offers presentations and counseling on subjects like autism and sexuality, and the experiences women on the spectrum have.
New York: Project SHINE works to create innovative and accessible sexual health tools for members of the disability community.
North Carolina:Autism Society of North Carolina offers an extensive list of resources about sexual health for youth and adults with disabilities.
North Dakota:My Ally Health is a reproductive health clinic. They assure that their services are available to anyone regardless of disability status, race, sex, religion, or economic status.
Ohio:The Ohio Developmental Disabilities Council has meetings, sends newsletters, holds events, and offers resources about health for people with disabilities. One of their previous events involved a discussion about healthy romantic relationships and sexuality in the I/DD community!
Pennsylvania: Positive Approaches Journal was published by the Pennsylvania Department of Human Services. The journal features research and information on sexuality, LGBTQIA+ inclusion, and relationships.
Rhode Island:Zencare is a resource that connects people with disabilities with sex therapists in the area.
South Carolina:United Spinal Association is a source for people with spinal cord injuries or disorders. They provide tips for patients and discuss how to plan for a doctor visit.
South Carolina:Able South Carolina is a community-based nonprofit that offers a variety of services for individuals with disabilities.
South Dakota:Bridging South Dakota is a program that offers support for people with disabilities who are survivors of sexual assault.
South Dakota: Planned Parenthood provides a variety of services, such as abortion, birth control, pregnancy testing and services, and STD testing and treatment.
Tennessee:Tennessee Disability Services offers a list of resources on dating and romantic relationships, targeted towards individuals with intellectual disabilities.
Tennessee: Autism Tennessee offers occasional events that involve discussions about relationships and sex. Their Sexual Identity & Inclusion Alliance facilitator is very passionate about creating equal access to information for everyone.
Texas: Planned Parenthood provides a variety of services, such as abortion, birth control, pregnancy testing and services, and STD testing and treatment.
Texas:Navigate Life Texas is a resource for parents of children with disabilities. They offer tips on discussing puberty and sexuality, how to talk to the doctor, and more.
Utah:Planned Parenthood Association of Utah provides a variety of services, such as abortion, birth control, pregnancy testing and services, and STD testing and treatment.
Vermont: Planned Parenthood of Northern New England offers sexuality education for people with developmental disabilities, along with other sexual health resources and services.
Virginia: Disability-inclusive Sexual Health Network (DSHN) connects and supports youths with disabilities in Virginia through sexual education. They have a youth advisory board, resources, and plenty of ways to get involved on their website.
Washington:The Arc of King County shares resources on relationships, sexuality, and gender. Their goal is to ensure that everyone gets equal access to sexual health information.
Washington: The University of Washington has compiled a list of resources on sexuality and relationships for individuals with intellectual disabilities and autism.
Wisconsin:Wisconsin Behavioral Health Clinic emphasizes the importance of making sexual health information more accessible, and offers a variety of resources and services for people with disabilities.
Wyoming:The University of Wyoming shares resources on sexual and reproductive health, healthy relationships, and sexual orientation.
If you have a relevant organization that you would like added to this list, please contact us.
While pregnancy is usually an exciting time, it can also be intimidating. There is a lot to know about being pregnant and having a child as a person with a disability, and luckily there are resources available to help!
The National Research Center for Parents with Disabilities is a collaborative research and advocacy project that aims to help parents with disabilities. The website includes a “data hub” with tips and information for people who are considering having a child, people who are pregnant, and people who already are already parents.
Disabled Parenting Project is a branch of the National Research Center for Parents with Disabilities. The project is dedicated to allowing people with disabilities to share their experiences and receive advice.
The University of Cincinnati Center for Excellence in Developmental Disabilities created a guide* for people who identify as a pregnant woman with a developmental disability. It includes information on finding accessible healthcare providers, building a support network, and self-advocating during medical visits.
Bump’n is a brand that was created to make sexual pleasure more accessible. All of their content and products are co-created by a team who aims to inspire people to talk more openly about sexuality and disability.
The Bump’n Joystick is a sex toy that does not require you to use your hands! The Joystick has different sized holes in its base for you to insert your favorite toys. You simply hug the top of the toy or lay on it, and it does the work for you!
This toy is currently available for preorder for $249 on the Bump’n website!
It is difficult to determine the exact risk of sexual abuse for individuals with ASD. For one thing, reports of sexual abuse in the general population can vary widely. The first national survey reports victimization rates of 27% for women and 16% of men (Finkelhor et al., 1990)*- and many studies seem to report findings similar to this. A study has shown that children with disabilities are 1.7 times more likely to experience sexual abuse (Crosse, Kaye & Ratnofsky, 1993)*. In this study all children with disabilities were examined, not just individuals with ASD . Individuals who are caregiver dependent may be at the highest risk as family members, family acquaintances, and paid caregivers are the most likely to commit sexual abuse (Mansell et al., 1996)*. Difficulties communicating, lack of knowledge of sexual norms and activities, and isolation may contribute to increased risk of sexual abuse among individuals with ASD.
So what can you so? Here are 5 places to start.
Have a clear reporting procedure of any suspected incidences of abuse or neglect and use it!
Don’t hug, kiss, hold hands, snuggle or in other ways compromise professional boundaries. Not only does this potentially mask dangerous “grooming” by sexual predators, it also communicates that individuals with disabilities are asexual.
Sexuality education 🙂 may provide opportunities to for individuals to be better able to communicate and better understand social norms and activities thus giving them tools to better understand if abuse may be taking place.
Teach folks to say no! When we don’t provide structured opportunities for people to say no, then when they need to they don’t know how.
Don’t let sex be a taboo. If everyone is afraid to talk about it, they will be afraid when there is a problem also. Also, perpetrators will be deterred by the open communication.
The Department of Human Services in Illinois is targeting ending violence against women with disabilities. Click here to learn more!
*Link takes you to an abstract of the original article.
Rewire News Group is a news website that is focused on sexual health and social justice. They are looking to “reshape the national dialogue on all things sex by making it more inclusive, positive, and centered on social justice.” The website itself is not focused on intellectual disabilities, however, they do offer some amazing articles about issues in the disability community.
The Autism-Friendly Guide to Periods is a comprehensive guide for people ages 9-16. This book covers the basics of menstruation and offers direct advice on what exactly to expect when you start your period. On top of this, it provides advice for everyone, not just the person menstruating. This book offers advice to the parents or caregivers, and alleviates some anxiety that people face when asking for help. This book was created in consultation with young people and doctors, so it’s a great resource.
The author of The Autism-Friendly Guide to Periods, Robyn Steward, is Autistic herself, and made this book accessible and as inclusive as possible. This book is written in plain language, is straightforward, and suits the needs of Autistic individuals. The book offers step-by-step photos and instructions on how to change pads/tampons, and discusses alternatives to those. She also highlights what may be sensory issues for autistic people.
It’s extremely important for Autistic individuals (and those around them) to have a plan for handling menstruation. Someone’s first period can be a stressful, painful, and anxiety-inducing experience. Stress can be planned for an alleviated with careful education and preparation. This book is a fantastic resource and a great way to open up conversation about periods. For more information on planning for menstruation, check here: https://asdsexed.org/2012/06/08/menstruation-plan-26/
While many people are familiar with pornography, it’s not always suited for everybody. Some people may become overstimulated, overwhelmed, or just downright uncomfortable when trying to enjoy an adult film. While there are some alternatives, like erotic scripts and stories, there is still an increasing amount of people looking for more options. An increasingly popular alternative is erotic audios, which are recordings of actors engaging in sexual activity.
PsstAudio is a website that is dedicated to erotic audios, scripts, and texts. This website allows users to listen to a library of audios, as well as upload their own. It’s easy to navigate, search, listen to and save audios, and it’s completely free to users. You must be over the age of 18 to create and account. The website’s homepage can be found here: https://psstaudio.com/
@LingerieLitClub is both a Twitter account and a Discord server that promotes erotic audios. They constantly post links to new audios, as well as hold events on their Discord server. They hold Intimate Poetry Nights, Q&A nights with audio performers and authors, as well as large group calls where you can speak to other people a part of the server. All of their events are completely free and the audios they post are accessible to everyone! Their links can be found below:
Erotic audios offer a new way for people with Intellectual disabilities to find sexual pleasure because they are a less stimulating alternative to pornography. These new options promote sexual health for everybody and have made pleasure more accessible!
While the mainstream is becoming increasingly aware and accepting of disabilities, there is still a lack of representation. People with both physical and intellectual disabilities rarely ever see people like them in books, movies, on TV, or in many other forms of entertainment. On top of this, resources regarding sexual health, relationships, and puberty for disabled individuals practically don’t exist.
Woodbine House is a publishing company that specializes in informational books for individuals with intellectual disabilities. They have many books aimed at all different age groups that provide information on an array of topics pertaining to disabilities. On their website, they have different sections for Down Syndrome, Autism, and ADHD/ADD. Some of their sexual health based books include: Teaching Children With Down Syndrome About Their Bodies, Boundaries and Sexuality, Boyfriends & Girlfriends: A Guide to Dating for People with Disabilities, and A Boys/Girls Guide to Growing Up. These books help teach people to identify body parts, how to identify/express emotions, personal hygiene, dealing with puberty, relationship safety and many other things.
Every one of their books features people with the disability they’re discussing, and they provide accurate and accessible books for all ages. These books are non-clinical and easy to read, and they are intended for everyday use. On top of this, they’re extremely accessible and informational. This company consistently provides parents and children with informational books that are practical, empathetic and empowering, and they push disabled issues into the public eye. It is a great example of increasing representation and inclusivity in media!
The Birds and The Bees 
