Exploring your sexuality can be confusing, especially when you start engaging in sexual acts with other people for the first time. Virginity is the term used to describe the state of never having had sex, and “losing your virginity” can be nerve-wracking. Even the word “losing” is not the best description, because you should be gaining something from your experience instead. There are many misconceptions around sex that can contribute to feeling anxious about having sex for the first time. This is a guide that debunks myths and discusses the many ways you can have sex to help you feel a little more comfortable when engaging in sexual acts, and the importance of your mental wellbeing when it comes to this.
Sex Myths
Myth
Reality
You will feel different after having sex.
People often believe after having sex for the first time it will instantly change everything and bring a complete happiness in your life. The truth is there is no “right” way to feel after having it. You can feel happy, anxious, calm, excited, nervous, or even the same. All of these reactions are completely normal.
Pain is always present.
First time sex can feel uncomfortable at first. The vagina is muscle so when it is being strecthed it comes along with discomfort. But with communication, patience, and enough foreplay with your partner the discomfort will last for only a little bit. If the pain is severe or ongoing it is a good idea to talk to a healthcare professional because sex is not supposed to hurt.
It will be perfect and magical.
Watching television they depict first time sex as something magical and smooth. In reality that is not always the case. First time sex can be awkward and nervewracking and that is okay! Learning and figuring things out with your partner is completely normal. It does not have to be perfect for it to be meaningful.
Talking about boundaries will ruin the mood.
This is absolutely not true. If there is something you do not feel comfortable with when about to have sex with your partner, make sure you say it. You saying it will not ruin the mood whatsoever. It will just make sure that you are being treated with respect and that you are not uncomfortable during the experience. When both partners feel safe and heard, it will create a more positive experience.
Penetration is required.
This is a myth because that statement limits the definition of sex to only penis-in-vagina orientation. Intimacy includes many forms such as oral sex, touching, mutual stimulation, and many other experiences.
Diving Deeper into Inclusive Sex
As mentioned above, “penetration is required” for sex is a myth because of the many ways to be sexual, and based on your pain or mobility restrictions, sensory sensitivities, gender identity, and sexual orientation, sex may be different than how you imagined it. There is no one or “real” way to have sex; it is whatever you and your partner are comfortable with, so it’s important to talk to your partner about boundaries and what sex you would like to have.
There are many different ways people have sex:
Anal sex – a penis is inserted into another person’s anus
Oral sex – a person licks a person’s vulva, vagina, or clitoris or a person kisses/sucks a person’s penis
A person kisses and sucks the other person’s nipples
A person masturbates with another person
A person touches another person’s vagina or penis
Sex toys (ex: dildos…) are used
This fact sheet provides more information on having sex.
Being comfortable in your sexuality and expressing yourself sexually can help you understand yourself better and be in control of your own life. It can also give you confidence to have sex successfully (based on your own personal view of what “successful” sex is) and deepen your connection with your partners.
Resources To Promote Positive Mental Health
For LGBTQ+ individuals with disabilities, the LGBTQ+ community and spaces can act as a protective factor as it helps foster a sense of belonging, reduce isolation, and supports positive self-identity. However, LGTBQ+ people with disabilities also report higher rates of mental health concerns. The Trevor Project has a guide on their website for supporting LGBTQ+ people with disabilities, including direct links to resources that can be found on page 14 on the PDF format.
We wanted to attach some resources if you or someone you know is struggling with mental health concerns. The Cleveland Clinic provides more information about suicide and its warning signs on its website at https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/suicide.
The Never a Bother campaign is a youth suicide prevention awareness and outreach campaign for young people and their parents, caregivers, and allies. To get involved, please visit https://neverabother.org/
Intimacy coaching is a specialized type of relationship coaching that focuses on helping emotional and physical intimacy. Intimacy and connection are essential parts of being human. Everyone deserves the chance to experience it fully. Intimacy coaching offers a supportive, judgement-free space to help individuals or couples explore and deepen their capacity for emotions, physical, and even spiritual intimacy. An intimacy coach helps you reconnect with your desires and communicate your needs. If you’re looking to bring back the spark, try something new, or simply understand your needs/desires better, intimacy coaching is the perfect way to go.
To learn more about what intimacy coaching does, watch this video.
Here are some intimacy coaches that have great reviews and cater towards people with disabilities.
Joslyn Nerdahl: Certified Sex Coach and Clinical Sexologist, Physical Disabilities
Joslyn Nerdahl is an intimacy coach who specialize in working with people with physical disabilities. She believes that communication and consent are the foundation of healthy intimacy. She has a passion for helping people learn how to talk about sex openly and provides a safe space for her clients to explore their needs and desires. Her services include intimacy coaching, sex education, and sexual rehabilitation. Learn more about her: Services – Joslyn Nerdahl
Grace Myhill is a couples coach and educator who specializes in working with couples where on or both partners are a person with autism. She focuses on each partner experience and validating each other their perspectives. She wants to help both partners work together to build emotional and relation skills. If you want to know more about her work visits her website: https://www.gracemyhill.com/
Dr. Mitchell Tepper: Sex Coach and Educator for People with Physical Disabilities
Dr. Mitchell Tepper is an educator who specializes in working with individuals with disabilities and chronic conditions to help reclaim pleasure and intimacy. His approach focuses on empowerment, inclusion, and accessibility. He emphasizes that everyone, regardless of physical ability deserves access to intimacy, pleasure, and love. To explore his work and resources visit his website: Coaching – Dr. Mitchell Tepper
Amy Gravino: Autism and Sexuality Advocate, Speaker, and Relationship Coach
While Amy Gravino is not an intimacy coach, she still advocates for autism sexuality. She is an educator who empowers autistic adults to embrace healthy relationships, self-advocacy, and sexual expression. If you want to learn more about her advocacy or watch one of her videos visit: A.S.C.O.T Consulting
I think intimacy coaching is a great way to explore yourself, your relationship, and spice things up.
Social media can be difficult to navigate as there are unknown “rules” and behaviors that are widely followed when first interacting with others, especially those you are interested in romantically. This aid demonstrates several unspoken guidelines, intimidating behaviors, and tips on staying within the guidelines on social media when trying to flirt. It is worth mentioning that this is not a comprehensive list of all guidelines and intimidating behaviors, but rather a guide to help you talk to your crush online in a fun, respectful way that keeps everyone comfortable. As a 21-year-old who has been online from a young age, some of these guidelines are based on my own experiences and knowledge.
Example of a relevant comment: Someone posts a photo of them graduating school and you comment, “Congratulations!”
Example of a direct message: You talked to someone last week about a book series and sent this message: “Hi! It’s [your name], we talked last week about [book series]. I started reading it and really liked it. Do you have any other recommendations?”
Examples of using emojis: (1) You are messaging your crush about a movie that you both recently watched and talking about a scene that left you in disbelief: “I can’t believe that happened 😭 I was not expecting it at all!” (2) You made plans to hang out with your crush in person and sent this message: “I’m excited to hang out on Saturday 😊 See you then!”
Teen Vogue has a list of questions to keep the conversation going with your crush, whether you’re looking for something low-pressure, flirty, deep, random, interesting, or just plain fun.
The Napoleon Cat Blog gives some tips for commenting on someone’s post, showing different examples for different post scenarios. Some of them are intended for friends, but can still be used for your crush’s posts. Their 35 Short Comments for Instagram section is best used when you first start commenting, as they are simple, not intimidating, and friendly.
According to Planned Parenthood, sexual consent is “an agreement to participate in sexual activity. Consent lets someone know that sex is wanted.”
Sexual activity can be a lot of different types of activities, from kissing to sexual intercourse to oral sex.
Judging consent between partners, as well as self-reflection about consent, is crucial for sexual activity. This article will provide resources for accessing and reflecting on consent, and ensure that consent is an easier conversation.
A very helpful tool to gauge consent is the Verbal Informed Sexual Consent Assessment Tool. This source shares important reflection questions to analyze whether someone can give consent, giving a checklist as well as examples of questions to ask.
Consent can be a very simple conversation. Once you know that you and your partner are capable, informed, and confident in making decisions about sexual behaviors, have a conversation with your partner. Ask your partner what their boundaries are, and what sexual behaviors are okay with them. Sexual behaviors are a continuous conversation, that is that the conversation will continue to come up, and the result of the conversation can change. If you or your partner consents to kissing one day, and says “no” to kissing the next day, consent is being taken away and kissing shouldn’t continue to happen until consent is given again. For tools about how to revoke consent, refer to our webpage graphic about Ways to Say No .
This website from Planned Parenthood gives more examples of how to talk with your partner about consent, including examples such as how to check in on consent.
These two videos explain consent and boundaries. The second video also gives an example!
Dr. Curtiss was invited to the Center of Disability Studies at the University of Delaware to present on Sexual Consent and Disability. Participants learned what sexual consent is from a sexual health perspective and a legal perspective. They also learned important considerations when teaching consent and how teaching consent promotes sexual safety.
When Dr. Curtiss talks about teaching sexual consent she discussed four main skills: Saying No, Recognizing No, Respecting No, and Saying Yes. To say No, you need to be able to say NO with different levels of intensity, to have multiple strategies for saying NO, a be able to say NO in a variety of contexts including online. To be able to recognize No, you need to be able to recognize verbal, non-vebal, and contextual NO as well as NO by omission. To be able to respect NO you need to have self-regulation skills to manage emotional reaction to hearing NO. To be able to say YES, you need to understand what feel comfortable.
Alabama:The University of Alabama at Birmingham offers resources on sexuality and relationships, sexual abuse, and tips for parents when discussing sexuality with their children.
Alaska: Olmstead Rights shares a list of resources and advocacy organizations in Alaska. The resources are directed towards individuals with physical, intellectual and developmental disabilities, and mental illness.
Arizona:Special Olympics Arizona offers a list of resources for individuals with disabilities who want to learn more about health and wellness.
Arkansas: The Arkansas Disability Coalition is an organization that helps families and individuals with disabilities by providing health-related support, information, and resources.
California: Disability Without Abuse Project is dedicated to spreading awareness about abuse faced by individuals with intellectual or developmental disabilities. They offer resources, a newsfeed, and a blog for people who are interested in learning more.
Colorado:The Initiative Colorado works to raise awareness and break down barriers to accessing health services.
Connecticut:The Center for Relationship and Sexuality Education strives to make sexual health information more accessible for members of the intellectual and developmental disability community. They provide learning materials and professional development programs.
Delaware: Planned Parenthood of Delaware provides education and training services for people with intellectual and developmental disabilities.
Florida: The Disability and Health Program aims to increase the accessibility and availability of health resources for people in the disability community.
Hawaii:Hawaii Pacific Health is a resource for people who would like to learn more about sexual abuse, and for those who have already experienced sexual abuse.
Idaho:DisAbility Rights Idaho provides protection and advocacy for people with disabilities.
Illinois:Community Choices supports individuals with disabilities in the process of filling medications, scheduling and going to appointments, and connecting with health representatives.
Indiana: Indiana Institute on Disability and Community has a feature on their website where you can input information to find resources specific to your situation. They also offer training and workshops and other opportunities to become involved in the community.
Iowa: The Iowa Department of Public Health provides a list of resources for people with disabilities who would like to learn more about sexual health.
Louisiana: Green Clinic offers resources for dating violence and sexual assault, and sexual health. They also share resources for STI testing.
Maine: MomentumRELATE offers education, dialogue, advocacy, and training for people with disabilities. They are committed to helping people develop a healthy and positive understanding of sexuality and relationships.
Maryland: Respectability offers general sexuality resources for members of the disability community. Some of the topics they includes resources for are masturbation, hygiene and self care, puberty, and relationships.
Massachusetts: The Massachusetts Department of Public Health and the Massachusetts Department of Developmental Services collaborated to create a guide on healthy relationships and sexuality.
Minnesota:Family Tree Clinic offers a wide range of services including birth control, annual exams, trans hormone care, STI testing and treatment, and Rapid HIV testing. They also offer a health education program for members of the community who are deaf, deafblind, and hard of hearing.
Mississippi: The Arc focuses on respect, abilities, freedom of choice, and inclusion. They provide resources for people with disabilities regarding self-advocacy.
Missouri:SHADE (Sexual Health and Disability Education) teaches sexual education to people with disabilities. They have a newsletter, resources, and guides for supplemental information.
Nebraska: Munroe-Meyer Institute has a team of occupational therapists, physical therapists, psychologists, and recreational therapists who offer sexual health services to individuals with intellectual and developmental disabilities.
Nevada:Planned Parenthood offers comprehensive sex education and services for individuals with disabilities.
New Hampshire: Disability Rights Center – NH offers information and assistance regarding Medicaid and healthcare, access and accommodations, and general health.
New Hampshire: Elevatus Training is an organization that offers extensive information about navigating sexuality as a person with a disability.
New Jersey:The Division of Disability Services in the Department of Human Services collaborates with health educators, policy makers, and experts in the field of health to create an inclusive setting for people with disabilities to learn about sexual health.
New Jersey: A.S.C.O.T. Counseling offers presentations and counseling on subjects like autism and sexuality, and the experiences women on the spectrum have.
New York: Project SHINE works to create innovative and accessible sexual health tools for members of the disability community.
North Carolina:Autism Society of North Carolina offers an extensive list of resources about sexual health for youth and adults with disabilities.
North Dakota:My Ally Health is a reproductive health clinic. They assure that their services are available to anyone regardless of disability status, race, sex, religion, or economic status.
Ohio:The Ohio Developmental Disabilities Council has meetings, sends newsletters, holds events, and offers resources about health for people with disabilities. One of their previous events involved a discussion about healthy romantic relationships and sexuality in the I/DD community!
Pennsylvania: Positive Approaches Journal was published by the Pennsylvania Department of Human Services. The journal features research and information on sexuality, LGBTQIA+ inclusion, and relationships.
Rhode Island:Zencare is a resource that connects people with disabilities with sex therapists in the area.
South Carolina:United Spinal Association is a source for people with spinal cord injuries or disorders. They provide tips for patients and discuss how to plan for a doctor visit.
South Carolina:Able South Carolina is a community-based nonprofit that offers a variety of services for individuals with disabilities.
South Dakota:Bridging South Dakota is a program that offers support for people with disabilities who are survivors of sexual assault.
South Dakota: Planned Parenthood provides a variety of services, such as abortion, birth control, pregnancy testing and services, and STD testing and treatment.
Tennessee:Tennessee Disability Services offers a list of resources on dating and romantic relationships, targeted towards individuals with intellectual disabilities.
Tennessee: Autism Tennessee offers occasional events that involve discussions about relationships and sex. Their Sexual Identity & Inclusion Alliance facilitator is very passionate about creating equal access to information for everyone.
Texas: Planned Parenthood provides a variety of services, such as abortion, birth control, pregnancy testing and services, and STD testing and treatment.
Texas:Navigate Life Texas is a resource for parents of children with disabilities. They offer tips on discussing puberty and sexuality, how to talk to the doctor, and more.
Utah:Planned Parenthood Association of Utah provides a variety of services, such as abortion, birth control, pregnancy testing and services, and STD testing and treatment.
Vermont: Planned Parenthood of Northern New England offers sexuality education for people with developmental disabilities, along with other sexual health resources and services.
Virginia: Disability-inclusive Sexual Health Network (DSHN) connects and supports youths with disabilities in Virginia through sexual education. They have a youth advisory board, resources, and plenty of ways to get involved on their website.
Washington:The Arc of King County shares resources on relationships, sexuality, and gender. Their goal is to ensure that everyone gets equal access to sexual health information.
Washington: The University of Washington has compiled a list of resources on sexuality and relationships for individuals with intellectual disabilities and autism.
Wisconsin:Wisconsin Behavioral Health Clinic emphasizes the importance of making sexual health information more accessible, and offers a variety of resources and services for people with disabilities.
Wyoming:The University of Wyoming shares resources on sexual and reproductive health, healthy relationships, and sexual orientation.
If you have a relevant organization that you would like added to this list, please contact us.
While pregnancy is usually an exciting time, it can also be intimidating. There is a lot to know about being pregnant and having a child as a person with a disability, and luckily there are resources available to help!
The National Research Center for Parents with Disabilities is a collaborative research and advocacy project that aims to help parents with disabilities. The website includes a “data hub” with tips and information for people who are considering having a child, people who are pregnant, and people who already are already parents.
Disabled Parenting Project is a branch of the National Research Center for Parents with Disabilities. The project is dedicated to allowing people with disabilities to share their experiences and receive advice.
The University of Cincinnati Center for Excellence in Developmental Disabilities created a guide* for people who identify as a pregnant woman with a developmental disability. It includes information on finding accessible healthcare providers, building a support network, and self-advocating during medical visits.
Bump’n is a brand that was created to make sexual pleasure more accessible. All of their content and products are co-created by a team who aims to inspire people to talk more openly about sexuality and disability.
The Bump’n Joystick is a sex toy that does not require you to use your hands! The Joystick has different sized holes in its base for you to insert your favorite toys. You simply hug the top of the toy or lay on it, and it does the work for you!
This toy is currently available for preorder for $249 on the Bump’n website!
Advocates for Youth is an organization that is dedicated to improving sexual and reproductive health among adolescents and securing the rights of young people.
Advocates for Youth recognizes that sex education should equip people with tools to make informed decisions about sex and relationships, instead of withholding information and telling young people not to have sex.
The organization works with AMAZE to publish animated videos that provide children and adolescents with accessible and age-appropriate sexual information. More information about AMAZE can be found here.
Advocates for Youth offers a K-12 sex education curriculum specifically for students with intellectual disabilities that includes all of the topics the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has labeled as essential. The curriculum emphasizes the importance of rights, respect, and responsibility, and covers topics such as gender identity, race, and healthy relationships. This curriculum can be found on the Advocates for Youth website, linkedhere.
In addition to making efforts to improve sexual education in the classroom, Advocates for Youth hosts virtual and in-person events for people interested in learning more! Some of their previous events involved discussions about STIs, abortion, and consent.
The Organization for Autism Research (OAR) was founded by parents and grandparents. OAR strives to use science to address social, educational, and treatment concerns in the Autism community. Their mission is to fund research, provide useful information and resources to the community, as well as hold programs to improve quality of life for individuals with Autism.
The OAR has put together an online guide for sexuality and sex ed. This guide is self-paced and intended for people on the Autism Spectrum aged 15 and older. This guide consists of nine modules: Public vs Private, Puberty, Healthy Relationships, Consent, Dating 101, Sexual Orientation/Gender Identity, Am I Ready?, Sexual Activity, Online Relationships and Safety. Each module consists of a video overview and 10-15 smaller sections.
This guide is completely free and can be accessed at the link below:
While many people are familiar with pornography, it’s not always suited for everybody. Some people may become overstimulated, overwhelmed, or just downright uncomfortable when trying to enjoy an adult film. While there are some alternatives, like erotic scripts and stories, there is still an increasing amount of people looking for more options. An increasingly popular alternative is erotic audios, which are recordings of actors engaging in sexual activity.
PsstAudio is a website that is dedicated to erotic audios, scripts, and texts. This website allows users to listen to a library of audios, as well as upload their own. It’s easy to navigate, search, listen to and save audios, and it’s completely free to users. You must be over the age of 18 to create and account. The website’s homepage can be found here: https://psstaudio.com/
@LingerieLitClub is both a Twitter account and a Discord server that promotes erotic audios. They constantly post links to new audios, as well as hold events on their Discord server. They hold Intimate Poetry Nights, Q&A nights with audio performers and authors, as well as large group calls where you can speak to other people a part of the server. All of their events are completely free and the audios they post are accessible to everyone! Their links can be found below:
Erotic audios offer a new way for people with Intellectual disabilities to find sexual pleasure because they are a less stimulating alternative to pornography. These new options promote sexual health for everybody and have made pleasure more accessible!
While the mainstream is becoming increasingly aware and accepting of disabilities, there is still a lack of representation. People with both physical and intellectual disabilities rarely ever see people like them in books, movies, on TV, or in many other forms of entertainment. On top of this, resources regarding sexual health, relationships, and puberty for disabled individuals practically don’t exist.
Woodbine House is a publishing company that specializes in informational books for individuals with intellectual disabilities. They have many books aimed at all different age groups that provide information on an array of topics pertaining to disabilities. On their website, they have different sections for Down Syndrome, Autism, and ADHD/ADD. Some of their sexual health based books include: Teaching Children With Down Syndrome About Their Bodies, Boundaries and Sexuality, Boyfriends & Girlfriends: A Guide to Dating for People with Disabilities, and A Boys/Girls Guide to Growing Up. These books help teach people to identify body parts, how to identify/express emotions, personal hygiene, dealing with puberty, relationship safety and many other things.
Every one of their books features people with the disability they’re discussing, and they provide accurate and accessible books for all ages. These books are non-clinical and easy to read, and they are intended for everyday use. On top of this, they’re extremely accessible and informational. This company consistently provides parents and children with informational books that are practical, empathetic and empowering, and they push disabled issues into the public eye. It is a great example of increasing representation and inclusivity in media!
Open Future Learning is a company that offers a wide variety of online training for staff, or anyone else working with individuals with disabilities. They offer modules in abuse prevention, communication, advocacy, and many more topics. They have staff training modules, 30 minute programs, and an audio learning module. Membership can range from $112-$2263 per month, depending on the amount of active users. Linked below is Open Future’s Homepage.
Elevatus offers a variety trainings staff, direct support professionals, educators, self-advocates and parents to teach sexuality education to children and adults with developmental disabilities. In addition to their trainings, Elevatus has a sex education curriculum that can be purchased.
Here are examples of some of their trainings and the costs:
For Staff and Professionals – Developmental Disabilities and Sexuality 101 ($397)
For Parents/Guardians – Talking With Your Kids: Developmental Disability and Sexuality ($47)
In-service/live workshops and a 3-Day Certificate Training ($725) for anyone who wants to lead sexuality education classes with people with developmental disabilities.
The Friendships & Dating Program (FDP) offers inclusive teaching plans for individuals with intellectual and developmental disabilities. A unique aspect of this program is its emphasis on preventing interpersonal violence. There is a version of this program for youth with serious emotional disturbance. The FDP focuses on skill development through experimental learning and group activities with an interactive 10-week curricular plan. Interested groups can purchase the curriculum on its own ($600) or purchase the curriculum in combination with a train the trainer support provided live online ($1,800). You can find more information about the FDP from the below link. Some module illustrations are available on the website.
The Birds and The Bees 