Exploring your sexuality can be confusing, especially when you start engaging in sexual acts with other people for the first time. Virginity is the term used to describe the state of never having had sex, and “losing your virginity” can be nerve-wracking. Even the word “losing” is not the best description, because you should be gaining something from your experience instead. There are many misconceptions around sex that can contribute to feeling anxious about having sex for the first time. This is a guide that debunks myths and discusses the many ways you can have sex to help you feel a little more comfortable when engaging in sexual acts, and the importance of your mental wellbeing when it comes to this.
Sex Myths
Myth
Reality
You will feel different after having sex.
People often believe after having sex for the first time it will instantly change everything and bring a complete happiness in your life. The truth is there is no “right” way to feel after having it. You can feel happy, anxious, calm, excited, nervous, or even the same. All of these reactions are completely normal.
Pain is always present.
First time sex can feel uncomfortable at first. The vagina is muscle so when it is being strecthed it comes along with discomfort. But with communication, patience, and enough foreplay with your partner the discomfort will last for only a little bit. If the pain is severe or ongoing it is a good idea to talk to a healthcare professional because sex is not supposed to hurt.
It will be perfect and magical.
Watching television they depict first time sex as something magical and smooth. In reality that is not always the case. First time sex can be awkward and nervewracking and that is okay! Learning and figuring things out with your partner is completely normal. It does not have to be perfect for it to be meaningful.
Talking about boundaries will ruin the mood.
This is absolutely not true. If there is something you do not feel comfortable with when about to have sex with your partner, make sure you say it. You saying it will not ruin the mood whatsoever. It will just make sure that you are being treated with respect and that you are not uncomfortable during the experience. When both partners feel safe and heard, it will create a more positive experience.
Penetration is required.
This is a myth because that statement limits the definition of sex to only penis-in-vagina orientation. Intimacy includes many forms such as oral sex, touching, mutual stimulation, and many other experiences.
Diving Deeper into Inclusive Sex
As mentioned above, “penetration is required” for sex is a myth because of the many ways to be sexual, and based on your pain or mobility restrictions, sensory sensitivities, gender identity, and sexual orientation, sex may be different than how you imagined it. There is no one or “real” way to have sex; it is whatever you and your partner are comfortable with, so it’s important to talk to your partner about boundaries and what sex you would like to have.
There are many different ways people have sex:
Anal sex – a penis is inserted into another person’s anus
Oral sex – a person licks a person’s vulva, vagina, or clitoris or a person kisses/sucks a person’s penis
A person kisses and sucks the other person’s nipples
A person masturbates with another person
A person touches another person’s vagina or penis
Sex toys (ex: dildos…) are used
This fact sheet provides more information on having sex.
Being comfortable in your sexuality and expressing yourself sexually can help you understand yourself better and be in control of your own life. It can also give you confidence to have sex successfully (based on your own personal view of what “successful” sex is) and deepen your connection with your partners.
Resources To Promote Positive Mental Health
For LGBTQ+ individuals with disabilities, the LGBTQ+ community and spaces can act as a protective factor as it helps foster a sense of belonging, reduce isolation, and supports positive self-identity. However, LGTBQ+ people with disabilities also report higher rates of mental health concerns. The Trevor Project has a guide on their website for supporting LGBTQ+ people with disabilities, including direct links to resources that can be found on page 14 on the PDF format.
We wanted to attach some resources if you or someone you know is struggling with mental health concerns. The Cleveland Clinic provides more information about suicide and its warning signs on its website at https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/suicide.
The Never a Bother campaign is a youth suicide prevention awareness and outreach campaign for young people and their parents, caregivers, and allies. To get involved, please visit https://neverabother.org/
Intimacy coaching is a specialized type of relationship coaching that focuses on helping emotional and physical intimacy. Intimacy and connection are essential parts of being human. Everyone deserves the chance to experience it fully. Intimacy coaching offers a supportive, judgement-free space to help individuals or couples explore and deepen their capacity for emotions, physical, and even spiritual intimacy. An intimacy coach helps you reconnect with your desires and communicate your needs. If you’re looking to bring back the spark, try something new, or simply understand your needs/desires better, intimacy coaching is the perfect way to go.
To learn more about what intimacy coaching does, watch this video.
Here are some intimacy coaches that have great reviews and cater towards people with disabilities.
Joslyn Nerdahl: Certified Sex Coach and Clinical Sexologist, Physical Disabilities
Joslyn Nerdahl is an intimacy coach who specialize in working with people with physical disabilities. She believes that communication and consent are the foundation of healthy intimacy. She has a passion for helping people learn how to talk about sex openly and provides a safe space for her clients to explore their needs and desires. Her services include intimacy coaching, sex education, and sexual rehabilitation. Learn more about her: Services – Joslyn Nerdahl
Grace Myhill is a couples coach and educator who specializes in working with couples where on or both partners are a person with autism. She focuses on each partner experience and validating each other their perspectives. She wants to help both partners work together to build emotional and relation skills. If you want to know more about her work visits her website: https://www.gracemyhill.com/
Dr. Mitchell Tepper: Sex Coach and Educator for People with Physical Disabilities
Dr. Mitchell Tepper is an educator who specializes in working with individuals with disabilities and chronic conditions to help reclaim pleasure and intimacy. His approach focuses on empowerment, inclusion, and accessibility. He emphasizes that everyone, regardless of physical ability deserves access to intimacy, pleasure, and love. To explore his work and resources visit his website: Coaching – Dr. Mitchell Tepper
Amy Gravino: Autism and Sexuality Advocate, Speaker, and Relationship Coach
While Amy Gravino is not an intimacy coach, she still advocates for autism sexuality. She is an educator who empowers autistic adults to embrace healthy relationships, self-advocacy, and sexual expression. If you want to learn more about her advocacy or watch one of her videos visit: A.S.C.O.T Consulting
I think intimacy coaching is a great way to explore yourself, your relationship, and spice things up.
Social media can be difficult to navigate as there are unknown “rules” and behaviors that are widely followed when first interacting with others, especially those you are interested in romantically. This aid demonstrates several unspoken guidelines, intimidating behaviors, and tips on staying within the guidelines on social media when trying to flirt. It is worth mentioning that this is not a comprehensive list of all guidelines and intimidating behaviors, but rather a guide to help you talk to your crush online in a fun, respectful way that keeps everyone comfortable. As a 21-year-old who has been online from a young age, some of these guidelines are based on my own experiences and knowledge.
Example of a relevant comment: Someone posts a photo of them graduating school and you comment, “Congratulations!”
Example of a direct message: You talked to someone last week about a book series and sent this message: “Hi! It’s [your name], we talked last week about [book series]. I started reading it and really liked it. Do you have any other recommendations?”
Examples of using emojis: (1) You are messaging your crush about a movie that you both recently watched and talking about a scene that left you in disbelief: “I can’t believe that happened 😭 I was not expecting it at all!” (2) You made plans to hang out with your crush in person and sent this message: “I’m excited to hang out on Saturday 😊 See you then!”
Teen Vogue has a list of questions to keep the conversation going with your crush, whether you’re looking for something low-pressure, flirty, deep, random, interesting, or just plain fun.
The Napoleon Cat Blog gives some tips for commenting on someone’s post, showing different examples for different post scenarios. Some of them are intended for friends, but can still be used for your crush’s posts. Their 35 Short Comments for Instagram section is best used when you first start commenting, as they are simple, not intimidating, and friendly.
We have created a how-to-guide for individuals with disabilities to navigate setting, recognizing, and respecting boundaries with their romantic partners.
The setting in which you touch someone matters. Do not touch someone without their consent. It is also important to give people time to open up about certain topics and give people time to put in effort into a relationship.
Recognizing that someone needs to be alone or is uncomfortable can take time to learn. If someone is not showing interest in a conversation, if they are giving short, snappy answers, or if someone is pulling away from gentle touches are all signs that someone may be uncomfortable or want to be left alone.
Respecting one another’s differing opinions is very important. Keep a discussion honest and open, and have mutual agreements on when and were to have certain conversations.
Finally, setting boundaries are important because you want to build trust in a relationship. This post includes an infographic that can support someone’s quest in finding and maintaining romantic relationships and boundaries.
To support teaching these concepts, we have created a presentation and lesson plan that are free to use.
Pelvic exams and sexual health appointments can feel like a lot to handle. A pelvic exam is when a doctor looks at the vulva and vagina. You can calm your nerves by preparing ahead of time. Setting boundaries beforehand also helps. Speaking up for yourself will make you feel safe, heard, and at ease during your visit.
First, what to expect at a sexual health appointment:
Routine checkup
Discomfort, pain or mild pressure
Talking about birth control
Pelvic exam
Pap smear
Reproductive health concerns
Infertility
Sexual transmitted infections
Pregnancy complications
Before your appointment:
Decide if you want emotional support.
A close friend, guardian, or family member offers comfort and support.
Bring comfort items.
If waiting rooms make you anxious, bring a fidget toy or a stress ball. A small comfort item can help too. These items can help pass time.
Planning Communication
Think about how you want to talk to your provider. You can do this by speaking, writing, or using a patient portal. Let your healthcare professional know your preference.
Adjust the environment.
Share your lighting preferences. Should it be bright or dim? This will help you feel at ease.
If the noise or lights bother you, you can wait in the car until the professionals are ready for you.
During Appointment:
Write down questions.
It’s easy to forget questions you had before the professional sees you. Writing or typing them first helps you cover everything you want.
Visuals
A body map is a visual tool, a drawing of a persons body. You can show areas of interest on your body by simply pointing. It helps you show where something can hurt or feel different. It also indicates where something needs to be checked by the doctor.
If you’re visiting a doctor focused on private parts or sexual health, you can use the body map. For example, it helps show specific areas of concern. Without needing to use a lot of words.
Point to or circle areas you want to discuss
Use colors or symbols to show pain (ex: red for pain)
To prepare for your sexual health appointment, follow these simple steps. It also ensures that all your concerns are covered and helps you feel at ease. Your comfort and well-being are always a number one priority.
Below is a plain language guide. This resource allows for individuals to easily access and understand LGBTQIA+ identities, and can be used for educational purposes. The definitions were sourced from @IncludedUD on Instagram, as well as the Human Rights Campaign (HRC). These two links will take you to the Instagram and to the HRC’s glossary of LGBTQIA+ terms respectively.
***plain text language***
Below is an screen-reader friendly Plain Language Guide without images.
According to Planned Parenthood, sexual consent is “an agreement to participate in sexual activity. Consent lets someone know that sex is wanted.”
Sexual activity can be a lot of different types of activities, from kissing to sexual intercourse to oral sex.
Judging consent between partners, as well as self-reflection about consent, is crucial for sexual activity. This article will provide resources for accessing and reflecting on consent, and ensure that consent is an easier conversation.
A very helpful tool to gauge consent is the Verbal Informed Sexual Consent Assessment Tool. This source shares important reflection questions to analyze whether someone can give consent, giving a checklist as well as examples of questions to ask.
Consent can be a very simple conversation. Once you know that you and your partner are capable, informed, and confident in making decisions about sexual behaviors, have a conversation with your partner. Ask your partner what their boundaries are, and what sexual behaviors are okay with them. Sexual behaviors are a continuous conversation, that is that the conversation will continue to come up, and the result of the conversation can change. If you or your partner consents to kissing one day, and says “no” to kissing the next day, consent is being taken away and kissing shouldn’t continue to happen until consent is given again. For tools about how to revoke consent, refer to our webpage graphic about Ways to Say No .
This website from Planned Parenthood gives more examples of how to talk with your partner about consent, including examples such as how to check in on consent.
These two videos explain consent and boundaries. The second video also gives an example!
Last year, Planned Parenthood released a series of 4 videos that cover 4 different topics: consent, body image, identity, and birth control/sexually transmitted infections. These videos are linked below, and are available for free on Youtube. The group of friends in each video communicate in American Sign Language, and closed captioning is available in Spanish and English.
This first video is about consent. Ciara and Dev are getting into a relationship, and Ciara discusses with her friends how to set boundaries without feeling “mean”, by being honest, clear, and kind.
This second video is about birth control and sexually transmitted infections. One of the friends, Ciara, tells Ava that she is ready to have sex with Dev, and Ava and Ciara discuss the steps to follow before having sex. First, they discuss STI testing before having intercourse, and then acquiring birth control. Dev, Em, and Bo also talk about condom use, and Em explains that when at the doctor, they are legally required to provide an interpreter for those that are Deaf or hard of hearing.
This third video discusses identity; sexual orientation, gender identity, and Deaf identity. There is a conversation about pronouns as well as owning a Deaf identity between a group of high-school-aged friends.
This final video discusses body image. Two of the high-school-aged friends in the group struggle with their body image, one of which is also struggling with what to wear to a pool party as a transgender person.
Dr. Curtiss was invited to the Center of Disability Studies at the University of Delaware to present on Sexual Consent and Disability. Participants learned what sexual consent is from a sexual health perspective and a legal perspective. They also learned important considerations when teaching consent and how teaching consent promotes sexual safety.
When Dr. Curtiss talks about teaching sexual consent she discussed four main skills: Saying No, Recognizing No, Respecting No, and Saying Yes. To say No, you need to be able to say NO with different levels of intensity, to have multiple strategies for saying NO, a be able to say NO in a variety of contexts including online. To be able to recognize No, you need to be able to recognize verbal, non-vebal, and contextual NO as well as NO by omission. To be able to respect NO you need to have self-regulation skills to manage emotional reaction to hearing NO. To be able to say YES, you need to understand what feel comfortable.
Alabama:The University of Alabama at Birmingham offers resources on sexuality and relationships, sexual abuse, and tips for parents when discussing sexuality with their children.
Alaska: Olmstead Rights shares a list of resources and advocacy organizations in Alaska. The resources are directed towards individuals with physical, intellectual and developmental disabilities, and mental illness.
Arizona:Special Olympics Arizona offers a list of resources for individuals with disabilities who want to learn more about health and wellness.
Arkansas: The Arkansas Disability Coalition is an organization that helps families and individuals with disabilities by providing health-related support, information, and resources.
California: Disability Without Abuse Project is dedicated to spreading awareness about abuse faced by individuals with intellectual or developmental disabilities. They offer resources, a newsfeed, and a blog for people who are interested in learning more.
Colorado:The Initiative Colorado works to raise awareness and break down barriers to accessing health services.
Connecticut:The Center for Relationship and Sexuality Education strives to make sexual health information more accessible for members of the intellectual and developmental disability community. They provide learning materials and professional development programs.
Delaware: Planned Parenthood of Delaware provides education and training services for people with intellectual and developmental disabilities.
Florida: The Disability and Health Program aims to increase the accessibility and availability of health resources for people in the disability community.
Hawaii:Hawaii Pacific Health is a resource for people who would like to learn more about sexual abuse, and for those who have already experienced sexual abuse.
Idaho:DisAbility Rights Idaho provides protection and advocacy for people with disabilities.
Illinois:Community Choices supports individuals with disabilities in the process of filling medications, scheduling and going to appointments, and connecting with health representatives.
Indiana: Indiana Institute on Disability and Community has a feature on their website where you can input information to find resources specific to your situation. They also offer training and workshops and other opportunities to become involved in the community.
Iowa: The Iowa Department of Public Health provides a list of resources for people with disabilities who would like to learn more about sexual health.
Louisiana: Green Clinic offers resources for dating violence and sexual assault, and sexual health. They also share resources for STI testing.
Maine: MomentumRELATE offers education, dialogue, advocacy, and training for people with disabilities. They are committed to helping people develop a healthy and positive understanding of sexuality and relationships.
Maryland: Respectability offers general sexuality resources for members of the disability community. Some of the topics they includes resources for are masturbation, hygiene and self care, puberty, and relationships.
Massachusetts: The Massachusetts Department of Public Health and the Massachusetts Department of Developmental Services collaborated to create a guide on healthy relationships and sexuality.
Minnesota:Family Tree Clinic offers a wide range of services including birth control, annual exams, trans hormone care, STI testing and treatment, and Rapid HIV testing. They also offer a health education program for members of the community who are deaf, deafblind, and hard of hearing.
Mississippi: The Arc focuses on respect, abilities, freedom of choice, and inclusion. They provide resources for people with disabilities regarding self-advocacy.
Missouri:SHADE (Sexual Health and Disability Education) teaches sexual education to people with disabilities. They have a newsletter, resources, and guides for supplemental information.
Nebraska: Munroe-Meyer Institute has a team of occupational therapists, physical therapists, psychologists, and recreational therapists who offer sexual health services to individuals with intellectual and developmental disabilities.
Nevada:Planned Parenthood offers comprehensive sex education and services for individuals with disabilities.
New Hampshire: Disability Rights Center – NH offers information and assistance regarding Medicaid and healthcare, access and accommodations, and general health.
New Hampshire: Elevatus Training is an organization that offers extensive information about navigating sexuality as a person with a disability.
New Jersey:The Division of Disability Services in the Department of Human Services collaborates with health educators, policy makers, and experts in the field of health to create an inclusive setting for people with disabilities to learn about sexual health.
New Jersey: A.S.C.O.T. Counseling offers presentations and counseling on subjects like autism and sexuality, and the experiences women on the spectrum have.
New York: Project SHINE works to create innovative and accessible sexual health tools for members of the disability community.
North Carolina:Autism Society of North Carolina offers an extensive list of resources about sexual health for youth and adults with disabilities.
North Dakota:My Ally Health is a reproductive health clinic. They assure that their services are available to anyone regardless of disability status, race, sex, religion, or economic status.
Ohio:The Ohio Developmental Disabilities Council has meetings, sends newsletters, holds events, and offers resources about health for people with disabilities. One of their previous events involved a discussion about healthy romantic relationships and sexuality in the I/DD community!
Pennsylvania: Positive Approaches Journal was published by the Pennsylvania Department of Human Services. The journal features research and information on sexuality, LGBTQIA+ inclusion, and relationships.
Rhode Island:Zencare is a resource that connects people with disabilities with sex therapists in the area.
South Carolina:United Spinal Association is a source for people with spinal cord injuries or disorders. They provide tips for patients and discuss how to plan for a doctor visit.
South Carolina:Able South Carolina is a community-based nonprofit that offers a variety of services for individuals with disabilities.
South Dakota:Bridging South Dakota is a program that offers support for people with disabilities who are survivors of sexual assault.
South Dakota: Planned Parenthood provides a variety of services, such as abortion, birth control, pregnancy testing and services, and STD testing and treatment.
Tennessee:Tennessee Disability Services offers a list of resources on dating and romantic relationships, targeted towards individuals with intellectual disabilities.
Tennessee: Autism Tennessee offers occasional events that involve discussions about relationships and sex. Their Sexual Identity & Inclusion Alliance facilitator is very passionate about creating equal access to information for everyone.
Texas: Planned Parenthood provides a variety of services, such as abortion, birth control, pregnancy testing and services, and STD testing and treatment.
Texas:Navigate Life Texas is a resource for parents of children with disabilities. They offer tips on discussing puberty and sexuality, how to talk to the doctor, and more.
Utah:Planned Parenthood Association of Utah provides a variety of services, such as abortion, birth control, pregnancy testing and services, and STD testing and treatment.
Vermont: Planned Parenthood of Northern New England offers sexuality education for people with developmental disabilities, along with other sexual health resources and services.
Virginia: Disability-inclusive Sexual Health Network (DSHN) connects and supports youths with disabilities in Virginia through sexual education. They have a youth advisory board, resources, and plenty of ways to get involved on their website.
Washington:The Arc of King County shares resources on relationships, sexuality, and gender. Their goal is to ensure that everyone gets equal access to sexual health information.
Washington: The University of Washington has compiled a list of resources on sexuality and relationships for individuals with intellectual disabilities and autism.
Wisconsin:Wisconsin Behavioral Health Clinic emphasizes the importance of making sexual health information more accessible, and offers a variety of resources and services for people with disabilities.
Wyoming:The University of Wyoming shares resources on sexual and reproductive health, healthy relationships, and sexual orientation.
If you have a relevant organization that you would like added to this list, please contact us.
Bump’n is a brand that was created to make sexual pleasure more accessible. All of their content and products are co-created by a team who aims to inspire people to talk more openly about sexuality and disability.
The Bump’n Joystick is a sex toy that does not require you to use your hands! The Joystick has different sized holes in its base for you to insert your favorite toys. You simply hug the top of the toy or lay on it, and it does the work for you!
This toy is currently available for preorder for $249 on the Bump’n website!
Advocates for Youth is an organization that is dedicated to improving sexual and reproductive health among adolescents and securing the rights of young people.
Advocates for Youth recognizes that sex education should equip people with tools to make informed decisions about sex and relationships, instead of withholding information and telling young people not to have sex.
The organization works with AMAZE to publish animated videos that provide children and adolescents with accessible and age-appropriate sexual information. More information about AMAZE can be found here.
Advocates for Youth offers a K-12 sex education curriculum specifically for students with intellectual disabilities that includes all of the topics the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has labeled as essential. The curriculum emphasizes the importance of rights, respect, and responsibility, and covers topics such as gender identity, race, and healthy relationships. This curriculum can be found on the Advocates for Youth website, linkedhere.
In addition to making efforts to improve sexual education in the classroom, Advocates for Youth hosts virtual and in-person events for people interested in learning more! Some of their previous events involved discussions about STIs, abortion, and consent.
The Autism-Friendly Guide to Periods is a comprehensive guide for people ages 9-16. This book covers the basics of menstruation and offers direct advice on what exactly to expect when you start your period. On top of this, it provides advice for everyone, not just the person menstruating. This book offers advice to the parents or caregivers, and alleviates some anxiety that people face when asking for help. This book was created in consultation with young people and doctors, so it’s a great resource.
The author of The Autism-Friendly Guide to Periods, Robyn Steward, is Autistic herself, and made this book accessible and as inclusive as possible. This book is written in plain language, is straightforward, and suits the needs of Autistic individuals. The book offers step-by-step photos and instructions on how to change pads/tampons, and discusses alternatives to those. She also highlights what may be sensory issues for autistic people.
It’s extremely important for Autistic individuals (and those around them) to have a plan for handling menstruation. Someone’s first period can be a stressful, painful, and anxiety-inducing experience. Stress can be planned for an alleviated with careful education and preparation. This book is a fantastic resource and a great way to open up conversation about periods. For more information on planning for menstruation, check here: https://asdsexed.org/2012/06/08/menstruation-plan-26/
The Organization for Autism Research (OAR) was founded by parents and grandparents. OAR strives to use science to address social, educational, and treatment concerns in the Autism community. Their mission is to fund research, provide useful information and resources to the community, as well as hold programs to improve quality of life for individuals with Autism.
The OAR has put together an online guide for sexuality and sex ed. This guide is self-paced and intended for people on the Autism Spectrum aged 15 and older. This guide consists of nine modules: Public vs Private, Puberty, Healthy Relationships, Consent, Dating 101, Sexual Orientation/Gender Identity, Am I Ready?, Sexual Activity, Online Relationships and Safety. Each module consists of a video overview and 10-15 smaller sections.
This guide is completely free and can be accessed at the link below:
While the mainstream is becoming increasingly aware and accepting of disabilities, there is still a lack of representation. People with both physical and intellectual disabilities rarely ever see people like them in books, movies, on TV, or in many other forms of entertainment. On top of this, resources regarding sexual health, relationships, and puberty for disabled individuals practically don’t exist.
Woodbine House is a publishing company that specializes in informational books for individuals with intellectual disabilities. They have many books aimed at all different age groups that provide information on an array of topics pertaining to disabilities. On their website, they have different sections for Down Syndrome, Autism, and ADHD/ADD. Some of their sexual health based books include: Teaching Children With Down Syndrome About Their Bodies, Boundaries and Sexuality, Boyfriends & Girlfriends: A Guide to Dating for People with Disabilities, and A Boys/Girls Guide to Growing Up. These books help teach people to identify body parts, how to identify/express emotions, personal hygiene, dealing with puberty, relationship safety and many other things.
Every one of their books features people with the disability they’re discussing, and they provide accurate and accessible books for all ages. These books are non-clinical and easy to read, and they are intended for everyday use. On top of this, they’re extremely accessible and informational. This company consistently provides parents and children with informational books that are practical, empathetic and empowering, and they push disabled issues into the public eye. It is a great example of increasing representation and inclusivity in media!
The Birds and The Bees 
